Read it in: probably around three weeks

It’s an obligation to review these kinds of books, even though I have a hunch that people reading this blog are either saying A) “YES MY FAVOURITE SERIES IN THE WORLD DEATH TO LANNISTERS AND LONG LIVE THE STARKS” or whatever or B) “tch, how can you read this sort of serialized rubbish that appeals to the public through sex and violence?”  Well, my answer is that I read these books, and if I read it has to be on here, because I can’t afford to skip books that I don’t feel I should review because otherwise I will run out of books to review and that will be awkward.  So if you’re not a fan, please skip this post and continue on to the next post-modern, experimental and incredibly depressing book review.

So, GoT.  I have to say that I watched the series before I read this, so I already knew most of what was going to happen.  Not only that, but I looked up the spoilers on wikipedia.  “Why?” you ask me, “Whyyyyy?!”  Because I never thought I was going to read these books.  I’m not usually a fantasy fan.  I’m not into dragons.  I’m not into long-winded fantastical names of places and people.  I’m not into stereotypical damsels in distress and unsmiling, handsome heroes.  And I suppose that’s why I got into this.

It’s not what you expect.  It’s like they put the government of a small underdeveloped nation into a fantasy world and said, “here, sort things out.”  And hence corruption, murder and dirty politics ensued.  Dirty politics with dragons, which makes it slightly more interesting, though sometimes I fail to see the point of these dragons.

The premise is normal.  You pick up the book and read the blurb and, unlike other books, you don’t stand there in the bookshop going “why didn’t I think of this idea?  This is the idea of the century!”  You’re just thinking that this is another fantasy.

Things that make this series different from other fantasies:

1. You can pronounce the names (for the most part)

2. The good guys never win

3. You think you’ve seen it all and then GRRM shocks you again

4. What kills people isn’t dragons or white walkers but good ol’ stabbings, beheadings and etc.

5. The theme song has a cat video on youtube

Anyway, so the second installment isn’t a disappointment, not really.  We’re racing into it because, due to GRRM’s fantastic ability to cliffhang, all our favourite characters are in some sort of dire situation.  Unfortunately for readers, GRRM also has this irritating habit of starting off books in a very slow manner, giving you tricky glimpses of your favourite characters, words here and there, but never anything of any substance, so that you’re hanging on by a fingernail, waiting, waiting to know what happened.  Unfortunately as well, he’s a very slow writer.  So anyway, we start out slowly, waiting, waiting, waiting.  At around page 600, 700-ish, things start to pick up.  And when things pick up, they do so very quickly and before you know it you’re gripping the book in your fingers and the sweat’s trickling down your face and you’ve ignored friends and family for five days now just to find out who wins the Battle of the Blackwater.

It can get a bit obsessive.

The fandom is incredible.  You get memes on facebook and everything.  Unfortunately for new readers, this means you can’t really avoid spoilers at all, unless you hole yourself up in a room, turn off the computer, unplug the internet and don’t listen to the television or the other readers pounding at your door saying “Z$00@#0 $7@&% looks nice without a head!”  Dare I continue?  No.

But, fandom, sexy TV series, memes on facebook and youtube cat videos aside, you ought to read this series if you ever want to be a good fantasy writer that publishes colossal amounts of books.  GRRM does a fantastic job keeping up the reader-base, although the books start off slow and your favourite characters all get killed in increasingly violent ways.  It’s like reading Jodi Picoult in order to work out how you can make readers cry, or reading Stephen King so you can find out how he has readers hiding under their beds at night.  It’s a learning experience, really.  I sort of treated it like that, but at the same time…  LONG LIVE THE STARKS!

Alright, I’ll stop now.

Read it if you: ever hope to write fantasy that sells millions and millions of copies, like fantasy, like dirty politics, like interesting characters and books jam-packed full of sex scenes.

I don’t have music for this one.  Listen to the theme song.  Listen to the theme song sung by a cat.